Aged, Bruised, and Bit by a Mad Dog: The Delightfully Morbid Causes of Death in London, 1632
Step aside, myocardial infarctions—London in 1632 had far more colorful ways to die. From “jawfain” to “bit with a mad dog,” this list of historical causes of death is part medical history, part dark comedy, and entirely worth a look.
If you’ve ever perused a death certificate or browsed through the CDC’s tidy mortality data, you know the modern causes of death are sterile, scientific, and, frankly, a bit of a snooze. We die of myocardial infarctions, acute renal failure, and cerebrovascular accidents. Very clinical. Very precise. Very boring.
But let’s hop in our time machine and crank it back nearly 400 years to the grimy, plague-seasoned streets of 1632 London. Back before antibiotics. Before germ theory. Before cause of death had to make sense.
I stumbled across a list on Reddit (as one does), and immediately knew this needed to be preserved in the Cabinet. So here we are. This isn’t just a list of what killed Londoners in 1632—it’s a strangely poetic glimpse into the mindset of a pre-modern world that didn’t yet know exactly what was killing them, but gave it their best shot anyway. And some of these are downright delightful in their absurdity.
Let’s dig into a few.
AGED – 628 deaths
Straightforward enough. Old age. The classic. Respectable. Likely whispered in reverence as, “He died aged.” Probably with a nod.
BIT WITH A MAD DOG – 1 death
Rabies. Only one recorded, which is honestly shocking given the total lack of vaccinations and the likelihood that stray dogs were roaming the streets like furry demons.
BRUISED, ISSUES, SORES, AND ULCERS – 28 deaths
This one’s a catch-all for “weeping wounds of unknown origin.” Whether caused by injury, infection, or too much humoral imbalance, they slapped it under this umbrella.
BURNT, AND SCALDED – 5 deaths
Open fire cooking, candles, chamber pots and chaos. A risky combo.
CANCER AND WOLF – 10 deaths
Yes, wolf. Which wasn’t a lycanthropic mauling, unfortunately. In older medical lingo, “wolf” referred to a type of destructive skin lesion or ulcerating cancer. Basically, face-eating tumors.
CHRISOMES AND INFANTS – 2,268 deaths
A staggering number. “Chrisomes” were babies who died in their white baptismal robes, typically within a month of birth. High infant mortality and a good dose of divine mystery.
CONSUMPTION – 1,797 deaths
TB. The poetic killer. Wasting disease. White Death. The soundtrack? Dying pale in a candlelit bed, coughing into a lace handkerchief.
DEAD IN THE STREET, AND STARVED – 6 deaths
I have nothing clever to say here. That’s just bleak.
EXECUTED AND PREST TO DEATH – 18 deaths
Executed, fine. But “prest”? As in literally squished under heavy stones until they confessed or expired. The kind of thing that made people confess to witchcraft just to make it stop.
FLOX, AND SMALLPOX – 531 deaths
Smallpox we know. “Flox” might refer to a bloody flux, or dysentery. Either way, violent exits.
GRIEF – 11 deaths
Death by heartbreak. Maybe literal, maybe metaphor. Possibly just a convenient explanation when all else failed.
JAWFAIN – 8 deaths
No idea. Sounds like a Dungeons & Dragons boss. Possibly tetanus or a severe mouth infection. Or maybe just some really bad dentistry.
IMPOSTUME – 74 deaths
An imposthume is an old word for abscess. Pus-filled death pockets. Possibly from internal infections. Not a flattering way to go.
KING’S EVIL – 38 deaths
This was scrofula, a form of tuberculosis that affected the lymph nodes in the neck. It was believed the king’s touch could cure it. Spoiler: It couldn’t.
LUNATIQUE – 5 deaths
So many questions. Did they die because they were lunatics? Were they killed by lunatics? Was it full moon-related? Werewolves? It’s anyone’s guess.
MADE AWAY THEMSELVES – 15 deaths
Suicide, phrased like a Victorian euphemism. “Made away with himself.” Not much detail, but a clear sign mental health wasn’t understood any better in 1632.
MURTHERED – 7 deaths
Self-explanatory. Also, 10/10 for the spelling.
PILES – 1 death
Hemorrhoids? Hemorrhoids! Imagine suffering so badly from the piles you actually die. Or perhaps a rectal bleed mistaken for divine punishment.
PLANET – 13 deaths
We… do not know. Astrology? Cosmic influence? Did Mars show up in retrograde and smite a baker?
QUINSIE – 7 deaths
This one we know. A peritonsillar abscess. So basically strep throat’s final form, choking you to death as your tonsils swell.
SUDDENLY – 62 deaths
“How did he die?” “Suddenly.” “Ah. Say no more.”
TEETH – 470 deaths
Just… teeth. Bad ones. Deadly ones. Probably from abscesses leading to sepsis. But it does leave the door open for a horror story.
TISSICK – 34 deaths
Likely a term for chronic cough or lung disease. Possibly a variant of “phthisic,” a form of pulmonary wasting.
This list goes on, and on. And yes, it’s funny. It’s also tragic. These were real people. Real deaths. Real guesses at real diseases from a time before microscopes, blood tests, or germ theory. But there’s beauty in the confusion and the creativity of it all.
I’ll be posting the original list alongside this blog, and I’d love to hear your take. What do you think “planet” meant? What the hell is “jawfain”? Drop a comment or join the discussion over on my subreddit r/DrBeboutsCabinet.
Preserving medical history, one gruesome euphemism at a time.
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